What sounds like a Norwegian death metal and reeks of budget bait?
It’s Black Friday, my babies! The hallowed day the architects of the American dream demand we get fat and spend like we are rich, regardless of income or cholesterol levels.
It it any wonder that after a day of problematic feasting, our national digestif is shopping? Neigh. For many, Black Friday, which falls the day after Thanksgiving, is a prime time to get primal and shed blood in the name of sale prices.
As The Post reported, “Between 2006 and 2018, 44 Black Friday incidents in America left 11 dead and 109 injured — including one man who brought home a shattered hip after being shoved into a shelf of cut-rate presents.” Yikes.
The history of Black Friday is also grim-ish. In the 1950’s Philadelphia police coined the term to describe the post Thanksgiving mayhem that befell the city as tourists and suburban shoppers, looking for deals and hot on the heels of the annual Army-Navy football game.
Officers were tasked with working excessively long shifts to deal with the onslaught of traffic and the need for crowd control. The retail hysteria also emboldened shoplifters to make off with unsupervised loot, adding to the feelings of bedlam.
Since we as a nation love an erroneous rebrand, retailers in the 1980’s reimagined Black Friday as a day to promote discount holiday gift buying, and the moment when stores went from “red to black” in terms of profit and loss.
With the advent of the internet, let us pray, Black Friday is bigger than ever. To help you find the deal most in line with your zodiac sign, we bring you a curated list of merch deals from Target, Amazon, Best Buy, Macy’s, Wal-Mart and beyond. Read on, eat that turkey leg luke warm and spend that cold hard cash folks.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Roundfire Concrete Tabletop Fire Pit, $31, original price: $100
Aries is the fieriest of fire signs and what better way to pay homage to their flame broiled beauty, infernal tempers and love of fuel smells than with a tabletop fire pit? Let it burn without burning down the house, folks.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
PowerXL 10 Qt. Dual Basket Air Fryer, $110, original price: $200
Taurus people, who love a deal as much as they love a snac,k will rejoice over this Black Friday air fryer bargain. Bonus: this black, push of a button number, is attractive enough to take up counter space in the discerning kitchen/pasture of a bull.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Manduka PRO Yoga Mat, $100, original price: $155
Gemini is ruled by Mercury and natives possess brilliant albeit restless minds, making a yoga/meditation practice an excellent way for them to quiet the loud lions of thought and connect to stillness. This yoga mat, the Cadillac of cow pose facilitators, is a great place to start.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
KitchenAid Stand Mixer, $349, original price: $460
Rulers of the fourth house of home, ancestry and comfort food, Cancer is the uncontested kitchen witch/warlock of the zodiac and there is no better mixer on the market than the mighty KitchenAid. Get a crab claw on it whilst it’s discounted.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
WEMAX Go Portable Smart Laser Projector, $540, original price: $1,000
Leos love a gathering, a round of applause, undivided attention and technology that allows them to play their sex tapes, home videos, and power point presentations on a large scale, making this projector a discount dream come true.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Kiehl’s Creamy Eye Treatment With Avocado, $28, original price: $64
The vanity of Virgo is subtle and discerning but absolutely present. Dedicated to looking their best using the finest natural ingredients, this sign can get on board and under eye with this avocado cream from Kiehl’s.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Loloi II Loren Collection 7′-6″ x 9′-6″ Area Rug, $223, original price: $689
Libra is ruled by Venus, planet of love, beauty, prettiness, pettiness and home goods. In kind, Libra natives will fall for this Turkish rug. Made to look vintage but priced for those on a mass market budget, it’s the ideal and affordable way to pull the room together, Lebowski.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Better Homes & Gardens Warm Leather & Amber Scented Candle, $6, original price: $13
Scorpio has no fear of, and times a preference for, the dark. But if and when light is called for, they prefer it come from candles that smell like the interior of a private car and patchouli incense left burning next to rumpled bedsheets.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Apple Watch Series 8, $349, original price: $399
Sagittarius people tend to be both physically active and a little clumsy, with their enthusiasm encouraging them to go harder, faster, further. Enter the Apple Watch which allows archers to keep track of their gains and while offering crash and fall detection that makes it easier to call for emergency help.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Goplus 2-in-1 Under-Desk Treadmill, $360, original price: $500
Capricorn is the striver of the zodiac, ever trying to climb the proverbial mountain. Sea goats will celebrate a cost conscious treadmill that conveniently fits
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
LEGO Icons Flower Bouquet, $50, original price: $60
Hot take: Aquarius with their emotional disengagement and aloof attractiveness, is a mechanical flower. Made from sustainable materials, this customizable bouquet is a metaphor for how water bearers present to the world at large. Also, these are blooms that never die and Aquarius is the sign most likely to fake their own death. I rest my case.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
JBL Charge 4 Waterproof Portable Bluetooth Speaker, $106, original price: $150
Pisces people love great escapes and convenient trap doors. This waterproof speaker is the perfect accompaniment to their favorite past time, which is listening to sad songs while getting drunk in a bathtub
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.